People Pleasing & Perfectionism

Co-Dependancy, People Pleasing
& Perfectionism

What Is It and How It Affects You

How Early Relationships Shape Us

Codependency, people-pleasing and perfectionism are often misunderstood. They are not personality flaws. They are not weaknesses. They are adaptive survival strategies.

These patterns usually develop in environments where connection, safety or approval felt uncertain. As children, we instinctively adapt to maintain closeness and reduce conflict. If love felt conditional, unpredictable or dependent on our behaviour, we learn to monitor ourselves carefully.

Over time, this can shape how we relate to others and how we relate to ourselves.

Codependency is often described as being overly focused on others’ needs, emotions or approval, while disconnecting from your own. People-pleasing is the drive to keep harmony, avoid conflict and ensure others are comfortable, often at personal cost. Perfectionism is the belief that if you can just get everything right, you will finally feel secure, valued or safe from criticism.

These patterns are linked to nervous system survival responses. When your system learned that conflict, rejection or emotional withdrawal felt threatening, it adapted by becoming hyper-attuned, responsible, agreeable or high-achieving.

What once helped you stay connected can later leave you exhausted and disconnected from yourself.

Some Common Patterns You May Notice

You might find yourself:

Struggling to say no or assert your needs
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or choices
Over-explaining, apologising, or justifying your actions
Avoiding conflict or confrontation at all costs
Setting high personal standards and being highly self-critical
Measuring your worth by how useful, helpful, or needed you are
Prioritising others’ comfort above your own
Difficulty resting or receiving support

On the surface, these traits are often praised. You may be seen as kind, capable, dependable, driven or strong. Internally, however, there can be chronic tension, anxiety, resentment, burnout, or a quiet sense that you do not quite know who you are outside of what you do for others.

How It Affects the Nervous System and Your View of the World

These patterns often align with responses in the nervous system. Constantly monitoring others, prioritising their needs, or striving for perfection keeps your body in alert mode, heightening stress, tension, and fatigue.

Over time, the nervous system may default to these strategies automatically, even when the original environment no longer exists. This can affect relationships, work, and internal sense of safety and self-worth.

Some Ways It Shows Up in Adult Life

Difficulty setting or maintaining healthy boundaries
Feeling drained or resentful in relationships despite “doing everything right”
Anxiety or guilt when prioritising your own needs
Patterns of overwork, perfectionism, or striving to feel worthy
Choosing relationships or roles where over-functioning is expected or rewarded
Feeling “not enough” even when others value or praise you

These patterns may appear in romantic relationships, family, friendships, or the workplace.

Why It Can Be Hard to See

Because these traits are learned survival strategies. You may not realise that the drive to please, perform, or over-give is rooted in past adaptations rather than choice.

Many women only notice the exhaustion, frustration, or sense of “missing self” once it becomes chronic, or an event happens in life which brings it to the surface. Early patterns can feel normal, familiar, and even necessary for safety or belonging, which makes them invisible for years.

Why Recognising This Matters

Many women do not realise that their difficulty resting, receiving, setting boundaries or asking for help is rooted in early adaptations. They simply believe they need to try harder, be more organised, be less sensitive, or be better.

When we understand that codependency, people-pleasing and perfectionism are nervous system strategies, the focus shifts.

The question becomes not 'How do I fix myself?' but 'What did my system learn about safety, love and belonging?'

This opens the door to deeper healing.

Rather than trying to eliminate these traits, it becomes about gently recalibrating the nervous system, rebuilding internal safety, and restoring connection to your own needs, limits and preferences.

As your system begins to feel safer, you no longer need to earn connection through over-functioning, over-giving or over-achieving.

You can still be kind. You can still be capable. You can still care deeply. The difference is that it no longer costs you yourself.

CONTACT SHARON

Curious, courageous and committed.

Working with women who are willing to pause, reflect, and step into change is something I never take for granted. It’s a privilege to guide and witness their journeys.